Mz. Chick Got Drunk Again, Forgot About the Blog

Holy shit, bitches!  Mz. Chick went on a major bender and totally forgot to update her blog.  So much for being Twatter famous!

Anyway, Mz. Chick did watch the reunion last night with The Real House Bitches of New York and has a massive headache trying to figure what all those drunken bitches were yelling about!  However, she did manage to decipher some of the drunken yelling, so here are some of her favorite things that happened.

Mz. Chick lost her shit when Jill "The Bitch" Zarin "defended" The Countless and her..ahem.."mothering skills" by telling Mz. Singer that if she doesn't shut up talking about that shit, she would have to deal with her.   Hahahahahahaha!  Oh, fuck!  Seriously?  This bitch usually sends her whipped hubby after the other women because she can't fight her own battles, but she is going to fight for The Countless!

Better watch out Mz. Singer, or you'll have to deal with THIS!!

The best line of the night, hands down there are NO ARGUMENTS ABOUT THIS BECAUSE MZ. CHICK SAYS SO, was when the Divine Mz. McCord told Cindy that she needed to get laid.  HOLY SHIT, bitches!  Mz. Chick completely lost it!  Red wine went flying everywhere, cats went running under the couch and Mz. Chick practically died laughing right there on her living room floor over that one.  KA-POW, BITCH!  Hahahahahahahaha!

As a side note, Mz. Singer?  You know Mz. Chick loves you (especially because she knows you sometimes read this blog) and she is about to give you a little piece of advice.  Now, this only comes out of a place of love, so here it goes.  The audience really didn't need to know that Aunt Flow was in town last night.  No, just no, darling.

Okay, bitches, Mz. Chick is going to work on updating this blog with everything she missed and work really hard on becoming Twatter famous once again.  Mz. Chick thanks her devoted readers for not bailing on her while she got her shit together.  Cheers, darlings!

The Countless Being a Fame Whore (Again)

Click to make image an even bigger hot drunken mess.

The Countless is, once again, promoting that hot drunken mess of a "song" "Chic, C'est La Vie" by posting this on her Facebook today.  Mz. Chick has been making herself sick by giggling at this pic!  

In case you peons (because that is how the Countless views all of us) didn't know, the title of the song simply translates to "This is the life."  Voir, je parle français trop! Je t'encule!  Hahahahahaha!  Mz. Chick is getting all bilingual up in here, bitches!

Anyway, the only other House Bitches that showed up for this mess was Jill "The Bitch" Zarin and Kelly "Jelly Beans" Bensimon.  Mz. Chick wonders if Jelly Beans actually showed up on time for a change?

Mz. Chicks Mailbag: A Bedtime Story

One of Mz. Chick's favorite drunken twaters, AmyBartsch (Twater Page) twated her this beautiful bedtime story about today's events at NASDAQ today.  Mz. Chick thought that her fellow drunken bitches would enjoy this:

Ramona's eyes finally popped out of her head watching jill ring the bell today. Kelly, thinking they were butterflies went to catch them, fell down and lost track of what she was doing so so she made sand angels. Luann wrote a song called these eyes but got sued for copyright issues. Alex and simon were ball gagged in sonja's baaement as cindy's kids cried for food.

Of course, if you have a story to share, twat or email Mz. Chick and she will be happy to put your drunken mess on her blog.  Cheers, my bitches!

Mz. Chick knows how much her bitches love this picture!

Mz. Chick is Back and Clowning on Mz. Zarin

Hey you bitches!  Elizabeth wanted to take over Mz. Chick's blog for a moment because she didn't think Mz. Chick could get all serious and shit.  But, Mz. Chick wrestled back control of her blog and told Elizabeth to go jump so she could clown on Mz. Zarin's silly ass!  You're welcome!

Okay.  Who at NASDAQ thought this was a good idea?!?

If you wonder why this country's financial markets are on the edge of disaster, it is because they let clowns like Jill "The Bitch" Zarin and Kelly "Jellybeans" Bensimon ring their opening bell!  Mz. Chick firmly believes it is not all the Wall Street money whores stealing as much as they can.  Nope, that makes too much sense, it is the fact that they periodically let fame whore open their trading day:

Fame Whores.  By NASDAQ.

Mz. Chick would also like to observe that Mz. Zarin only twated about her, not about her good friend, Jelly Beans, being there as well.  Mz. Chick had to click on the link to the picture in order to discover that Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs was there too!  Mz. Zarin will not have anyone moving in on her fame whoring ways, and she is probably pissed she couldn't get a picture without Jelly Beans being there too!  Jelly Beans better recognize that Mz. Zarin is the Queen of Fame Whores.

If that wasn't enough, The Bitch is also promoting the fact that she is going to be on "White Collar" tonight (on the USA network).  Holy shit balls!  Mz. Chick admires how this bitch fame whores herself out so damned much!  Anyway, she has actually got it into her head that she wants to be an "actress" now.   Hahahahahaha!  Mz. Chick doesn't think that Bobby has enough money to buy her an Oscar!  Maybe some stupid "viewers choice" award, though!  Good luck with that Mz. Zarin, Mz. Chick is rooting for you!

Don't forget to send Mz. Chick all of your questions on etiquette (or how to become a drunken whore!) and send her some fan mail (or hate mail, she doesn't care) (read this post for more information).

The Real House Bitches of NYC: Mz. Chick Tells It Like It Is

All right, bitches!  Mz. Chick is writing this, twating this and watching this all at the same time.  So...umm....you have been warned.  She takes no responsibility if you don't understand this, because she doesn't either.

Cast of Characters:

Jelly Beans: Kelly

The Bitch: Jill

The Countless: Duh

The Divine: Mz. McCord

The Beautiful: Mz. Morgan

Ramona: Fellow Drunken Bitch

The Divine Horse Teeth: Cindy

Jelly Beans, Fellow Drunken Bitch and the Divine are all talking about Fellow Drunken Bitch's birthday party. These bitches are being too nice!  They are turning it into a surprise birthday party for The Beautiful as well.  Nice, but boring!  Lets see some cat-fights bitches!

Reality Buzz twated: @ramonasinger I love the free venue! #RHONY  Hahahahaha!

The Divine Horse Teeth is...um...gulps red wine....selling something.  The Bitch is in attendance (CHUG!!)  Mz. McCord and Simon show up, oh shit, it is about to get good, bitches!!!  Jelly Beans shows up and The Bitch is telling her to get waxed, Jelly Beans tells us she got something out of her mole.  WTF?!?

Whiteheart18 twated: Cindy is having a pussy party #meow #Rhony 

The Divine Horseteeth Twatted: Watching # RHONy the @completelybare part was awesome Simon let me wax him :) Way to much information.  Mz. Chick downs another glass of wine.

MOVING ON...Simon is asking The Bitch to meet somewhere so that way he can talk her into stopping  all the shit talk.  She agrees. Jelly Beans and The Bitch are talking behind Simon's back.  The Bitch and Jelly Beans decide that it is "weird" that Simon wants to talk, and they can't figure out what Simon has issues with.  (Gee, Silly Bitch, do you think it has something to do with you saying he contributes to THE GLORIOUS LYNN's blog, when he doesn't?)

SassNSauce twated: that's a fucking lie. right after season 1 shill started bashing simon in the press

katiebr58 twated: Ur seriously taking advice from koo koo @kellybensimon #RHONY 

Jelly Beans has no idea what is going on in Simon's head.  No one knows what is going on in hers, either.  You crazy bitch!

The Bitch is backing out with lunch on Simon.  Probably because The Bitch knows she is in the wrong and she doesn't want to be called out.  The Countless shows up and starts to talk shit.  Holy shit, bitches!  Apparently, according to the Countless, The Divine needs to put a leash on Simon.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?  THESE BITCHES ARE NUTS.  That seems to be the refrain of the mean girls: The Divine needs to be put Simon on a leash.  And he needs to stop "mean tweeting."  The new buzzword is "mean tweeting."  Damn it!  Mz. Chick needs even more wine.

lori024 twatted: Did Luannn REALLY just say to put a leash on a husband & control what he's doing? Kelly agrees? Wonder y they're divorced... MEAN TWIT!!! MEAN TWAT!!!  MEAN WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER!!!!!

Simon vanKempen twated: My twitter feed is public unlike some I dont delete tweets or Facebook posts Where r my cyber bullying tweets  Oh, snap!  Mz. Chick approves of a (metaphorical) bitch slap!

LuAnn tells everyone about....Mz. Chick doesn't give a fuck, she is a bitch and her voice makes Mz. Chick's ears bleed.  Mz. Chick runs to the bathroom because she drank way too much wine.

Various twaters twat: SHUT UP LUANN!

CnutInAKattan twated: "Desperately trying to have relevance with us"?!? WTF? #RHoNY #countesscrackerjacks  WTF?!?  She actually said that?!  Mz. Chick is pissed that she will have to sit through one of the Countless's speeches to see this.

Hahahaha!  The Divine leaves arm in arm with her husband laughing at the idiots while Jelly Beans, The Bitch and The Countless are still meowing.

The Beautiful is fixing her broken toilet. Somehow, this has to do with her not having a husband.  She calls the plumber, but she winds up pulling a Blackberry out of it.  Her Fuck Shhh-way expert comes in and she cries to her over her broken marriage.  Mz. Chick feels bad for The Beautiful.  But this is boring the shit out of her.

UGH.  The Bitch and Jelly Beans are talking about cyber-bullying.  Oh for fucks sake, Mz. Chick is about to jump through her television screen and beat the ever-living-shit out of both of these bitches.  The Bitch and Countless decide that Simon is using them so he can build his business.  WTF?!?!

STFU Jelly Beans.

The Divine and Simon are talking.  Simon is making sure The Divine is not mad at him.  They are talking about The Bitch, The Divine couldn't stand her at first (duh, we knew that, but it was nice for her to admit it!).  The Divine stands by her man! Ahahahaha....The Divine mentioned something about smoking something.  Perhaps Mz. Chick needs to put down what she is smoking and start paying attention.

PARTY TIME!  Fellow Drunken Bitch is setting up people for The Beautiful's surprise.  The Bitch is eating, making sure everything is up to her standards.  Sorry, Bitch, no lamb chops!  The Beautiful doesn't know WTF is going on, Ramona fills her in....everything is very sweet.  BORING!!

Fellow Drunken Bitch is still pissed at The Bitch.  That is why Mz. Chick loves her Fellow Drunken Bitch, she won't let the bitch get away with anything.  She goes up to The Bitch and lets her know.  The Bitch is kissing her ass because her PR people told her to take a break from being such a bitch, plus Bobby slipped her a little something-something to calm her the fuck down.  No hair pulling.  DAMN IT!

More nicey stuff between The Beautiful and Fellow Drunk Bitch.  Sweet, but boring.

Various twatters send sweet and supportive messages to Fellow Drunk Bitch and The Beautiful.

The Divine Horse Teeth talks about how she doesn't miss having a man.  The more you say you don't miss something, the more you do <----Mz. Chick is getting philosophical up in here, bitches!

The Divine Horse Teeth is now with her parents and way to cute babies.  Mz. Chick's rule is in effect: no snarking when adorable babies are present!  Except...um....WTF?  Why can't she take care of her own kids?!?  Selfish bitches shouldn't have kids.

Moving on.

The Divine is meeting with Jelly Beans.  Jelly Beans is late again.  Fuck's sake-mean tweeting-creepy....Simon has a temper, hurting feelings.  Wait, Mz. Chick thought feelings were what happened 1970s?  The Divine tells Jelly Beans to go and talk with him, she ain't putting up with her shit.  Jelly Beans insists she doesn't want to talk about this shit, keeps talking about shit.  Jelly Beans tells The Divine that she is always sticking up for her (WTF?), and she will "ice herself out" if she doesn't tell Simon to go and jump.

Mz. Chick doesn't know what the fuck is going on, polishes off yet another bottle.  All the red wine that would quench the thirst of all of Europe couldn't make Jelly Beans make any sense. Mz. Chick is one confused drunken bitch!

SassNSauce twatted: iced out of what? the "narcissistic evil bitch snake whore club"? #rhony lets build a cabinet for them.

Mz. Chick twatted: @kellybensimon I salute you for being the stupidest bitch ever on reality tv! That is quite the complement! #MeanTweet #rhony  Hahahahahahaha!  Mz. Chick is such a bitch when drunk, as she demonstrates once again!

And that is what happened, bitches!

The Divine Mz. McCord, Snark Galore, & Mz. Chick's Favorite Tweets of the Day

DISCLAIMER:  No Housewives were harmed in the writing of this post.

The Divine Mz. McCord.  Mz. Chick's new best friend on Twitter.

Grab your wine bitches, it's time for another post from yours truly!  Firstly, Mz. Chick would like to thank all of her fellow drunken bitches on Twitter for their love of Mz. Chick's blog.  Ya'll rock!

Are you ready for this one?  The divine Mz. McCord twitted to yours truly last night.  Mz. McCord has now become Mz. Chick's favorite housewife ever! That's right, bitches!  Anyone who messes with Mz. Chick's new Twitter best friend will get cut like the bitch she is (you here that Countless and Zarin?  Don't make Mz. Chick go to New York) .

Anyway, here is the scoop:  Mz. McCord tweeted that she had some big news that may or may not be broadcast on the reunion.  Mz. Chick remarked that THAT little announcement was going to launch some rumors.  Mz. McCord tweeted back to Mz. Chick (oh, yes she did!) wondering if Mz. Chick was referring to her modeling and stated that  her news couldn't "compare with the truth."  Mz. Chick tweeted that she thought it was a little more personal than that!  Mz. McCord tweeted back (AGAIN!): "No more vK's joining the party.  Announcements were all about work."

About that point, Mz. Chick peed her pants in excitement about a Real House Bitch twittering with her.  Or it could have been Mz. Chick loses her bodily functions when she is drunk.  Who knows?  So, what do Mz. Chick's fellow drunken bitches think The Divine Mz. McCord's big announcement is?

Other Housewives News:

Nothing says classy like letting your boyfriend feed you a corn dog in public.

• Gretchen Rossi is selling her clothes on Ebay. Supporting a deadbeat fame-whore plays havoc on your bank account.  Even worse, you are forced to sell your whore gear.  Next up for Wretchen?  Horror of horrors, BOXED WINE.
• Granny G and her fame whoring ways attended the premier of Basketball Wives.  Darling, learn how to dress for your age, will you?  Mz. Chick is 35 and wouldn't wear a skirt that short, and she is a drunken whore!
• If you are a psycho bitch who likes to shout out "satchels of gold" at random intervals and call white women "Al Sharpton," then it is your lucky day, you crazy bitch! Kelly Bensimon is now giving out advice.  Jellybeans not included.
• FYI:  If you enjoy making your ears bleed, the Countless has a new single out.  There isn't enough wine in the universe for Mz. Chick to buy that atrocity.  Mz. Chick, contrary to popular opinion, does have standards! She won't even provide a link to that hot mess.  You're welcome!
• The Countless-smacking, bollocks-loving, ever bitchy DC darling, Cat Ommanney, Tweeted this today: "I would like to thank all of you who have shared Salami's 'bump it' with me-It has been remarkably disturbing. Best wishes Xx"  While Mz. Chicks devotion is to the Divine Mz. McCord, Mz. Ommanney is a close second.

This is such a ridiculous picture, Mz. Chick had to post it again.  

In Other News:

• Tits of mass destruction?  A woman got drunk, hit her hubby a couple of times, locked herself in her car and then the cops were called.  She proceeded to whip out her breast and spray the cops with breast milk.  Mz. Chick salutes her fellow drunken bitch.  Cheers, darling!
• Carol Brady got crabs from the former mayor of New York.  Darling, that is a bit too much information even for Mz. Chick.
• What a long, drawn out divorce!  It appears that the Mel and Robin Gibson have finally reached an agreement to divorce, and it will be final sometime this summer.  Mz. Chick is pissed at Mr. Gibson for giving us drunken fools a bad name.  Shame on you, Mr. Gibson, shame!

Top Ten Drunken Twits..Twats, Whatever Of The Day

If you would like to submit your twit, twat, whatever for Mz. Chick's consideration, you can join her on twitter.  If it is truly hilarious, DM her as well so she doesn't miss it.

1. mlaw3 (Twitter Page ): Apparently hubs no longer belives me when I say I cant have sex 2 days in a row bc my vag needs the recovery time #hesgotmynumber (Mz. Chick's advice: record the last episode of the New Jersey Bitches on your DVR and play it whenever husband wants sexy time.  Problem solved.)
2. MusicAsis (Twitter Page ): so I'm supposed to believe your virginity was stolen for a wine cooler at a house party. Sit YO ass down!! (Isn't that the way all girls loose their virginity?)
3. tyomomma (Twitter Page): @KimGranatell everytime I see her in a dress that is too short I have stripper pole flashbacks on RHONJ ..mAKES ME WANT TO BARF (Mz. Chick is still pissed at this bitch for that stripper pole "dance."  She knocked over her wine fleeing the room in terror upon seeing that!)
4. MegTheSequel (Twitter Page): What does that mean? LOL Seriously.. I'm not processing more than 3 word sentences. (Don't feel bad, Mz. Chick can't process more than that either.)
5. BravoBitchy1 (Twitter Page): well, if mine doesn't back off he will b dick~less! (Note to men: don't mess with a woman when she has PMS.)
6. kikilet (Twitter Page ): Are you experiencing Transvaginal Mesh Failure? (Mz. Chick is way to drunk to decipher this, however, she laughed herself silly when she read it.)
7. cellabella1 (Twitter Page ): I wish I could smell my elbow. (Mz. Chick is always amused by Cheryl's tweets.  This is, after all, the woman who invented the term "fuckwhores" and uses it to express her amusement.  Cheers, darling!)
8. MarisaGreenLevy (Twitter Page): a blend of narcissistic personality disorder and a bit of a sociopath (Add a liberal dose of red wine and you have just described Mz. Chick perfectly!)
9. LuvToLoveU (Twitter Page): tell me about this Brazilian blow job thingy.  (It involves three midgets and a bottle of red wine.)
10. Mpinkly (Twitter Page): Now I'm confused again. (That is usually Mz. Chick's normal state of mind.)