The Real House Bitches of Orange County
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The Real House Bitches of Orange County. In all their photoshop glory. |
Mz. Chick is only writing the bios of the current cast (she doesn't want to re-watch six seasons of this shit, bitches!), but will post updates on her blog from time to time about other cast members from previous seasons. She also has plans for giving each cast member (and others who appear on a regular basis) their own blog post too, because Mz. Chick has nothing better to do with her life but laugh in glee at these stupid bitches drunken antics!
Note: All the best quotes are taken from the season six reunion episodes. Norie Guthrie of the Reality Ranker did the hard work of deciphering what these bitches were babbling about. While Mz. Chick is proficient in the drunken whore and drunken fame whore languages, she didn't want to watch that shit again, so she did what any self-respecting drunk blogger would do: steal the work of a sober blogger! Cheers, darling!
Vicki "I WORK!" Gunvalson
- Best Known For: Working. "Whoo-hoo!"
- Why We Love Her: You know this bitch pays her bills! She also doesn't depend on any man for money, she does it all herself. You go, bitch!
- Why We Hate Her: Making racist comments (the whole "you like them dark!" to Tamra at the wine tasting). Her need to control her adult children. Treating her soon-to-be-ex-husband like shit. Treating every single new girl who shows up on the show like shit (except Peggy).
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| I work, bitch! |
Mz. Gunvalson has been on this hot drunken mess of a show since the first season, making her the Original House Bitch! Ya'll better recognize! She is known for making life hell for every new House Bitch on the show (except for Peggy, who kissed her ass), making sure they start their House Bitch career off just right. She is also known to be a complete ass to her soon-to-be-ex-husband. When she filed for divorce (serving him in his office to his complete surprise, OH SNAP!), she then stated multiple times that he just doesn't care for her, or else he would fight not to be divorced! Seriously, bitch? You must be kidding! Realizing how stupid she was acting, she had nothing but good things to say about him during the season six reunion.
When Mz. Gunvalson gets drunk, she yells "Whoo-hoo" at the top of her voice and gets her ass tattooed:
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| Mz. Gunvalson shows us her best side. While getting a tattoo. |
She also works, a lot. She maybe the only woman ever to work in the history of all that is history! Or something, Mz. Chick is drunk. Anyway, she loves to bring this up at any given time, especially when the other stupid bitches are having money problems because they are spending money like a drunk teenage girl with her daddy's credit card at the mall. The expressions on the other bitches faces are priceless when she does this! Hahahahaha! Mz. Chick just loves that shit.
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| Mz. Chick laughed her ass off when Mz. Gunvalson fell on hers. |
Season six was kind of rough on Mz. Gunvalson. Not only was she going through the end of her marriage, but she started bleeding out of her ass and had to be rushed to surgery, missing Jesus Tit's fashion show. Mz. Chick thinks that Mz. Gunvalson got lucky on that one! She also made up with her friend, Tamra (last season Tamra basically threw her under the bus in order to save her marriage), and we got a delightful conversation at the wine bar, which involved Mz. Gunvalson yelling for all the world to hear that Tamra likes them "dark" (referring to Tamra's new boy toy, who is Mexican), insulting the guy serving him, calling him Mexican, which led him to shout at her "I'm Puerto Rican, puta!" (Mz. Chick is getting bilingual up in here, bitches!).
Best Quote: "Then we'd let you talk for five hours then. There has to be a time when we can all talk, too." (Said to Jesus Tits when she wouldn't shut the fuck up.)
Note: Yes, Mz. Chick knows all about the scandalous shit her new boyfriend has pulled. However, since he has not appeared on the show, Mz. Chick will not snark. If he proves himself to be a fame whore, Mz. Chick will drop her wine glass in drunken glee and update her blog about his drunken shenanigans. Mz. Chick only snarks on fame whores, bitches!
Tamra "Trucker with Tits" Barney
- Best Known For: Proclaiming herself a "trucker with tits." Stirring up shit.
- Why We Love Her: Stirring up shit, specifically not letting Gretchen get away with her whoring ways. Also, going after Slimey (Mz. Chick just loves that!).
- Why We Hate Her: Making stupid comments (calling Fernanda "Charo"). Helping Gretchen get naked drunk and doing nothing as her pervy son went after her. Lying (saying Jenna shoved her so that's why she threw the drink in her face). The bath tub scene.
Mz. Chick just loves this drunk bitch! She has really, really, tried to hate her but just can't! Don't judge Mz. Chick for this, you bitches! Mz. Chick and her drunken ass just can't help it! Anyway, Mz. Barney first gained Mz. Chick's love when she shouted in a restaurant with her soon-to-be-ex-dickwad-of-a-husband: "I'm a trucker with tits!" Hahahahahahahaha! How could Mz. Chick not love that shit?
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| "Bitch, you are the stupidest fucking person I have ever met, and that is coming from me!" |
Another stupid thing was calling Fernanda "Choro." Bitch, everyone knows Choro is from Spain while Fernanda is from Brazil. Two different cultures, ya stupid bitch!
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| Mz. Chick approves of posing naked with a lesbian for a good cause! |
Now, on to the big fight with Jeana. Mz. Barney was married to an abusive (at least verbally) dickwad whom she is divorcing. Jeana decided to take the rat bastard's side and preceded to insert herself into the whole drama. Tamra repeatedly tells her to STFU when it comes to all of this, but that bitch doesn't listen and kept on with her fucketry. Stupid bitch! At the end of the season, Mz. Barney proceeded to throw a "cease and desist" (hahahahaha! That drunk bitch! Gotta love her!) in her face! Mz. Chick would have done that too! But does that stop Jeana? Hell, no! She keeps trying to argue with Mz. Barney and that is when Mz. Barney proceeded to throw a drink in that stupid bitch's face! Hahahahahaha! Jeana attempts to return the favor, misses Mz. Barney and hits another random bitch hanging around who turns around and throws another drink at Jeana. Mz. Chick nearly killed herself, she was laughing so hard at that drunken stupidity!
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| "Have a drink, bitch!" |
Of course, Mz. Barney lost points when she claimed that Jeana shoved her (she didn't) so that is why she threw the drink. If Mz. Barney would have just told the truth: "That bitch pissed me off, so I threw my drink at her!" it would have been an epic finale.
Now, Mz. Chick realizes that some of you think Mz. Barney got a good dose of karma with all the Jeana fucketry going on, and at some level Mz. Chick agrees. However, Jeana not being a full time cast member on the show anymore, was trying to get her fame whore on so she deserved everything she got! Also, any chick that defends an emotionally-abusing dickwad needs to have a couple of drinks thrown on them.
Best Quote: "Holy shit, Gretchen! Is your ass jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?" (Mz. Chick is stealing this line! KA-POW! BITCH! Hahahahahahaha!)
This bitch blocked Mz. Chick on the twater! Mz. Chick didn't even twat to her and just wrote one little snarky post about her and her corn dog, and BAM! Hahahahaha! Anyway, this bitch is best know for cheating on her dying rich fiance (who was quite a bit older than her) with another loser while the fiance was in the hospital (nice, huh?). Now her and her ex-boy toy are in an on-going legal battle. And for posing on toilets. Don't believe Mz. Chick? Here ya go:
She also poses naked with a vibrator, but even Mz. Chick isn't depraved enough to put that shit on her blog. Google it for yourselves, bitches!
She then hooked up with none other than.....Slade Slimey! Mz. Chick thought she was spared from ever having to see Slimey again until this bitch decided that she "loved" him. Unfortunately for her, Slimey is now broke, so that doesn't help her gold-digging aspirations. She also had a change of heart over every marrying again and instead wants a "lease" option. Funny how that only came about when she wasn't the gold-digger in the relationship!
When she isn't being a bitch to people who are in the hospital (she told Alexis that Vicki went to the hospital, not because the woman was bleeding out of her ass, but because it was during Alexis's fashion show), she is busy fame whoring it up and screwing her business partner out of their fair share of the cash. Oh yeah, and going on other reality shows claiming other designers work as her own.
She did get a moment of sympathy with Mz. Chick when Tamara got her "naked wasted" at a party. However, Mz. Chick soon realized that she got herself "naked wasted" and no one was forcing her to down tequila shots, so she lost points. She regained those points when Tamra didn't do a thing to help her and let her pervy son after Mz. Rossi.
Then, she got "naked wasted" again on a way to a party (with no help), and called Tamra an "evil bitch" at her own party! Mz. Chick would have punched a bitch out! She did redeem herself (slightly) when she called her boyfriend, Slimey, "tubba-wubba" repeatedly and because she treats him like the bitch he is. Hahahahaha! Mz. Chick just loved watching that!
Mz. Rossi is also known for not taking any responsibility for any of her drunken actions. She blamed Tamra when she got "naked wasted." Sure, Tamra giggled like a drunk school girl (so did Mz. Chick) at the thought of Gretchen getting drunk off of her ass and provided the tequila, but Gretchen didn't have to go there. She also blamed Tamra for calling her out on her whoring ways, as if Tamra was the one that forced her to pose for all of those skanky pictures! Mz. Chick is dreading the day when Mz. Rossi's and Slimey's sex tape gets "stolen" and sold to the highest bidder!
Best Quote: "Yeah." (When Tamra asked her if her ass was jealous of her mouth. Mz. Chick lost her own shit and laughed her silly drunken head off at that one!)
Holy shit balls! Mz. Chick wants to down a whole bottle of wine whenever this holier-than-thou bitch starts spewing off about how "Christian" she is and delving into such deep philosophical thoughts such as "I was made from my husband's rib" and the "problem with Liberal America....is that women can run for president." Of course, she has no problem changing what God gave her by getting lots of plastic surgery and botox. Jesus must be so proud!
If that wasn't enough to make you vomit, her husband (Jim "The Douche" Bellino) is a real douche who doesn't like being around his children and has never changed a diaper! They claimed on last year's reunion show that he did, actually, change a diaper and has changed his ways. Mz. Chick didn't buy that load of bullshit! Mz. Chick maybe a drunken whore but she sure isn't stupid. Mz. Chick will write more about his fucketry in an as-yet-written blog post.
On season six, Jesus Tits main story line was her competing with her fellow plastic-surgery enhanced fame whore, Peggy. Anything Peggy did, Jesus Tits claimed she did better, from fake tits, to toilet-training their kids, to who had postpartum depression. Holy fuck nuts, Mz. Chick couldn't believe the depths of this fame whore's jealousy when it came to her (former) friend! Mz. Chick has to give props to Peggy about not jumping up and punching the bitch!
Shortly before the reunion it came out that Peggy had dated Jimbo back in her twenties, and instead of blaming her husband for not informing her of this, Jesus Tits got pissed at Peggy for not telling her! Even Gretchen looked at her like "What the fuck, bitch?" on that one.
Best Quotes:
The newest House Bitch, Mz. Tanous is either an ass-kisser or brilliant because she immediately sucked up to Vicki by kissing her ass, thus ensuring she wouldn't be subjected to the mean girl treatment. Mz. Chick is leaning towards ass-kisser because while Mz. Tanous claims to be Holistic, she has no problems with injecting her face with toxic chemicals along with her tits.
Her main story line centered on her former friends, Jesus Tits, jealousy about Peggy being on the show. Mz. Tanous called Jesus Tits out on lying about giving her name to the producers on the reunion and always competing with her. Mz. Tanous also dated The Douche in her twenties, but made up for this tragic union by saying she regretted it on Watch What Happens Live when Jesus Tits called in! Hahahahaha!
Best Quote: "You guys just need to stop the bitching." (The hell?!? Bitch, what do you think this show is? Oprah?)
Slimey has been on this shit-fest of a show since season one when he hooked up with hottie Jo de la Rosa. Jo, being the smart girl she was, decided to run the fuck away and moved to L.A (after getting some expensive jewelry). Those two did make a brief reappearance on Bravo, but Mz. Chick didn't bother watching that shit. He then hooked up with Lauri (Waring) Peterson, but she dumped his ass once she found a new (and richer) sugar-daddy. He then moved on to Gretchen, which means he has bagged three housewives! Way to go Slimey!
Rumor has it that shortly after season two, Slimey lost his home to the bank because he couldn't afford his mortgage any longer. According to what Mz. Chick has learned, Slimey was either FIRED from his job because he rarely showed up for work (apparently, he was to busy being a fame whore), or (according to him), was let go because of the economy. Mz. Chick (who has spent way too much time pursing court papers on line about this clown), has decided that he was fired! Why would she come up to this drunken conclusion? He never claimed unemployment on any of his legal paperwork (you can't claim unemployment if you've been fired), and it explains why he is having a "hard time" finding work in the title industry, that's why, bitches!
According to court documents, this gold digger owes $138,857.64 in child support and claimed that the $104,000 in back taxes he owes is the reason why he couldn't pay his child support (read more here)! The court didn't believe his lying ass and threw his slimey ass in jail! Mz. Chick is disgusted by people who don't support their sick children (oh yes, the poor little boy has a brain tumor!) and who don't pay their taxes! Even Mz. Chick, who is a drunk most of the time (oh, who is she kidding, she is drunk ALL of the time), NEVER forgets to pay her taxes! Bitch, please!
Best Quote: "She [referring to Tamra] sucked off Simon. She's sucking off Eddie." Well, no shit, genius! You're just pissed that Gretchen isn't sucking you off! Mz. Chick just made herself sick visualizing that one.
Now, Mz. Chick realizes that some of you think Mz. Barney got a good dose of karma with all the Jeana fucketry going on, and at some level Mz. Chick agrees. However, Jeana not being a full time cast member on the show anymore, was trying to get her fame whore on so she deserved everything she got! Also, any chick that defends an emotionally-abusing dickwad needs to have a couple of drinks thrown on them.
Best Quote: "Holy shit, Gretchen! Is your ass jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?" (Mz. Chick is stealing this line! KA-POW! BITCH! Hahahahahahaha!)
Gretchen "The Slut" Rossi
- Best Known For: Cheating on her dying fiance. Posing naked with a vibrator. Posing on a toilet. Dating Slimey.
- Why We Love Her: Humiliating Slimey for practically all of season six.
- Why We Hate Her: Cheating on her dying fiance. Giving Slimey a platform for his fame-whoring ways. Posing naked with a vibrator. Posing on a toilet. Not owning up to the shit she pulls. That obnoxious laugh. Blocking Mz. Chick on the twater.
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| Nothing says "I'm a Classy Bitch" like posing on a toilet. In a cowboy hat! |
She then hooked up with none other than.....Slade Slimey! Mz. Chick thought she was spared from ever having to see Slimey again until this bitch decided that she "loved" him. Unfortunately for her, Slimey is now broke, so that doesn't help her gold-digging aspirations. She also had a change of heart over every marrying again and instead wants a "lease" option. Funny how that only came about when she wasn't the gold-digger in the relationship!
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| The infamous Corn Dog pic that got Mz. Chick banned from Mz. Rossi's twater! |
She did get a moment of sympathy with Mz. Chick when Tamara got her "naked wasted" at a party. However, Mz. Chick soon realized that she got herself "naked wasted" and no one was forcing her to down tequila shots, so she lost points. She regained those points when Tamra didn't do a thing to help her and let her pervy son after Mz. Rossi.
Then, she got "naked wasted" again on a way to a party (with no help), and called Tamra an "evil bitch" at her own party! Mz. Chick would have punched a bitch out! She did redeem herself (slightly) when she called her boyfriend, Slimey, "tubba-wubba" repeatedly and because she treats him like the bitch he is. Hahahahaha! Mz. Chick just loved watching that!
Mz. Rossi is also known for not taking any responsibility for any of her drunken actions. She blamed Tamra when she got "naked wasted." Sure, Tamra giggled like a drunk school girl (so did Mz. Chick) at the thought of Gretchen getting drunk off of her ass and provided the tequila, but Gretchen didn't have to go there. She also blamed Tamra for calling her out on her whoring ways, as if Tamra was the one that forced her to pose for all of those skanky pictures! Mz. Chick is dreading the day when Mz. Rossi's and Slimey's sex tape gets "stolen" and sold to the highest bidder!
Best Quote: "Yeah." (When Tamra asked her if her ass was jealous of her mouth. Mz. Chick lost her own shit and laughed her silly drunken head off at that one!)
Alexis "Jesus Tits" Bellino
- Best Known For: Being a stupid bitch. Proclaiming every other minute that she is a Christian. Being married to a neanderthal.
- Why We Love Her: Her dress line, Alexis Couture, was named for a porn star (not really, but the stupid bitch didn't do her research before naming her dress line. Mz. Chick was trying to find something nice to say, back off, bitches!).
- Why We Hate Her: Being a stupid bitch. Proclaiming every other minute that she is a Christian. Being married to a neanderthal. Competing with Peggy.
Holy shit balls! Mz. Chick wants to down a whole bottle of wine whenever this holier-than-thou bitch starts spewing off about how "Christian" she is and delving into such deep philosophical thoughts such as "I was made from my husband's rib" and the "problem with Liberal America....is that women can run for president." Of course, she has no problem changing what God gave her by getting lots of plastic surgery and botox. Jesus must be so proud!
If that wasn't enough to make you vomit, her husband (Jim "The Douche" Bellino) is a real douche who doesn't like being around his children and has never changed a diaper! They claimed on last year's reunion show that he did, actually, change a diaper and has changed his ways. Mz. Chick didn't buy that load of bullshit! Mz. Chick maybe a drunken whore but she sure isn't stupid. Mz. Chick will write more about his fucketry in an as-yet-written blog post.
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| If you didn't know Jim Bellino, than this pic proves he is a douche. Non-douche men would never style their hair that way! |
Shortly before the reunion it came out that Peggy had dated Jimbo back in her twenties, and instead of blaming her husband for not informing her of this, Jesus Tits got pissed at Peggy for not telling her! Even Gretchen looked at her like "What the fuck, bitch?" on that one.
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| This bitch actually posted this pic on her website trying to sell this hot mess of a dress. She thinks this a good pose. Proof of stupidity! |
- "I feel safer with a man running my country." (Mz. Chick feels better when stupid bitches shut their whore mouths!)
- "If someone asks you something, you don't always have the right answer." (Mz. Chick is resisting making an obvious observation. Oh, fuck it! When did you ever have the "right answer" you stupid twat?!?)
Peggy "Holistic with Fake Tits" Tanous
- Best Known For: Postpartum depression. Being holistic and believing in plastic surgery. Giving muscle tests.
- Why We Love Her: When Alexis had her little hissy fit because her master, Jimbo, didn't show up at Peggy's dinner party, Peggy told her either get your act together, you stupid bitch, or get the fuck out (only much nicer).
- Why We Hate Her: Subjecting us to her fake tits.
The newest House Bitch, Mz. Tanous is either an ass-kisser or brilliant because she immediately sucked up to Vicki by kissing her ass, thus ensuring she wouldn't be subjected to the mean girl treatment. Mz. Chick is leaning towards ass-kisser because while Mz. Tanous claims to be Holistic, she has no problems with injecting her face with toxic chemicals along with her tits.
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| Because going Holistic means getting as much plastic surgery as possible. |
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| Fake tits. By Bravo. |
Honorary House Bitch Slade "Slimey" Smiley
- Best Known For: Not paying his child support. Being a fame whore. Bagging three housewives.
- Why We Love Him: There is not one goddamned thing to love about this man.
- Why We Hate Him: Not paying his child support. Being a fame whore. Bagging three housewives.
Slimey has been on this shit-fest of a show since season one when he hooked up with hottie Jo de la Rosa. Jo, being the smart girl she was, decided to run the fuck away and moved to L.A (after getting some expensive jewelry). Those two did make a brief reappearance on Bravo, but Mz. Chick didn't bother watching that shit. He then hooked up with Lauri (Waring) Peterson, but she dumped his ass once she found a new (and richer) sugar-daddy. He then moved on to Gretchen, which means he has bagged three housewives! Way to go Slimey!
Rumor has it that shortly after season two, Slimey lost his home to the bank because he couldn't afford his mortgage any longer. According to what Mz. Chick has learned, Slimey was either FIRED from his job because he rarely showed up for work (apparently, he was to busy being a fame whore), or (according to him), was let go because of the economy. Mz. Chick (who has spent way too much time pursing court papers on line about this clown), has decided that he was fired! Why would she come up to this drunken conclusion? He never claimed unemployment on any of his legal paperwork (you can't claim unemployment if you've been fired), and it explains why he is having a "hard time" finding work in the title industry, that's why, bitches!
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| Mugshot. Pay your damned child support! |
